A blast from the not too distant past: oh…wow… I’m gay… Coming Out to Me

This is where I was at about all my gayness about five months ago when I figured it out.

 

So I’m not really sure who reads this, at this point, I hope my mom doesn’t. But I just really wanted to share this with my actual official blog. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about all the repression in my life. So many moments where instead of facing my feelings, I shot them down, caught them in a bottle and hid them in the deepest darkest reaches of my heart. This goes for my actual personal religious beliefs, my genuine political perspective, and my unrequited love towards my girl friends. Thinking back, every day was an intense struggle to force down the thoughts about girls. I cried almost every day of my high school existence. Because Satan was attacking me by making me think so much about my friends. Certain girls were never ever far from my mind. I would hyperventilate when they were coming over, basically swoon whenever they touched me, and just constantly always be wanting to spend every waking moment with them. BUT I WAS NOT GAY. I could not be. I was spreading Christianity, and one of the marks of being a Christian is hating the very concept of homosexuality. So, in word and speech I did. Still, I had these very clear constant moments of just being so attracted to my friends, and I would fall apart on them over it often. They would stroke my head (best feeling in the world by the way) and tell me it was okay. Not okay as in I was being allowed to be gay, okay as in, despite the feelings I was still 100% straight and they were glad I was fighting the urges.

Years of people telling me that I was not gay did nothing to stop the thoughts or curb the feelings. I never saw myself marrying a girl, however (still don’t). It’s complicated. See, this is literally the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have to give up the ease of living as a heterosexual. This of course means that my boyfriend and I… we’re breaking up. Amidst other things, he plays so much video games that I feel ignored like there is no room for me in his life. We still live together and we’ve talked this through. It’s hard since we made it so far, but it’s worth it to lead the lifestyles we want to lead. It hurts, the nonchalance, and that is why I think I prefer girls. They often tend to be more heartfelt and engaged. The ones I’m attracted to do anyway. I have zero idea how to do this going forward. A friend of mine said something about girls wearing flannel… but that seems fairly arbitrary. My gaydar, or lesbidar, anyway (shout out to Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Willow Rosenberg for that fantastic word) is fairly rusty. It’s mostly never been used. So, I don’t know how to hit on a girl, how to get her to see that I like her and hope she likes me, I don’t know how to be in an actual relationship with a girl, and beyond that… I sure as hell don’t know how to marry a girl, adopt kids with a girl… I always saw myself as having, actually birthing kids someday. Choosing this path, choosing girls, it could change everything. I won’t be having a kid that shares the DNA of both of us. That’s something to think about. But, I am a massive people pleaser at times. That’s kind of what drew me to all the bad situations that have ever happened in my life. I can’t choose my hypothetical children over my heart. Not now.

To be honest, I can’t believe this is even my life. I always noticed the ways in which I liked girls… but I never anticipated accepting that I’m gay, or even that I’m bi. Not until recently.

 

Honestly, since I wrote this, I’ve come to accept things much more. My mom, understandably, was upset about me not having kids. (But I still want kids, whether through adoption, in vitro, whatever). Mom if you’re reading this, know always that your reaction floored me but I’m so glad and relieved I told you. I am choosing to write, paint and sing because I do love to do those things and maybe the question of my sexuality was the blockade I was always looking to remove beforehand. 

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New Series! Hollywood Changed Things :)

Hey everyone! I’m starting a series for my blog, hoping to get back on track and to really speak up about my semi-unconventional understanding of Hollywood. So many people fear Hollywood, or make it out to be this twisted or evil thing. I’d like to help change that perspective if I can.  Many complaints against Hollywood speak of its desensitizing nature. The way that the violence makes people think hurting people is okay or that having sex with random strangers is a good idea.

But, I have observed also the good that has come of Hollywood, a good that I think is far more widespread than the evil. Just look around at the world now. They say it’s the last days, the evidence is in the depravity of the world, but look at the world now, post-Hollywood in comparison to a century ago and pre-Hollywood, or even to two millennia ago, in Jesus’ time. One hundred or so years ago, racism governed our country, including racism against Caucasian immigrants and the unfortunate history of the well-known Civil Rights battles. Prior to the all-inclusive influence of radio, TV and movies, parents beat their children under protection of the law. There is more, I believe, that has been greatly affected by the innovation of Hollywood. We’re so constantly talking about the media and its bad messages, why do we so rarely recognize the life-changing ones?

In this series, I hope to discuss the influence of Hollywood on a broader spectrum, drawing from music, movies, TV shows and life to show the positive outcome of Hollywood’s infusion into the world, especially America. Always, what makes Hollywood matter is the people involved. That is the foundation of the PVX Pearls vision and the only reason Hollywood has influence at all. So, let’s take the sandy outlook thrown around America all these years, capture it and find that pearl!