Itch. Itch. Scratch. All over my body. Lumps and bumps and red splotches telling the tale of my heartbreak. She thinks we can move past this. Thinks I’ll let her ignorance be bliss. But this is what comes from being ignored. She thinks our bond could be restored. I think our bond may never have existed. As I think upon the transgressions listed. In my memory she dwells in the positive, in the kind. But says that I am always negative, in a bind. And as I grow and as I change, I see more and more that she is deranged. I am fully capable of a happy life, it’s just harder with her ever-present strife. She believes herself to be in the right. She thinks I am in the wrong. I’m realizing she really doesn’t believe I’ll ever be strong. But I’m stronger than she ever was. Interesting and capable, fun and engaged in this world I’ve created. A world I would never have seen if Alisha and I hadn’t dated. If I hadn’t met Alisha who loves me for me, it would have been so much harder for me to see.
Everyone takes me for granted and leaves me in time. Because I didn’t come through for them or didn’t agree with their previous crimes. It’s just the way it’s always been, I have toxic friendships that break me down and bring me up and shove me down again. They don’t deserve me, I find myself finally saying. It’s not worth it to hear about my mom’s passive aggressive praying. And until she truly recognizes the pains wrought by her ignorance, I honestly hope that she doesn’t dance. I need her to feel this. The hatred she’s levied, the inability she has to think of anyone but herself in the long run. She ignores emotion and hurt in favor of fun. She’s a hateful cruel vindictive person who will take forever to learn because she thinks nothing is wrong if she isn’t cursing. She completely ignores all the ways she’s supposed to be striving, beats down my life and then makes sure I’m truly thriving. But she’ll never leave this alone, not unless she’s left to hopefully remember and groan. She doesn’t get to know me. She’s lost that gift from me. She no longer has the privilege of talking to me, not if she refuses ever to choose to see.