The Truth About my PTSD Excuse

For many of my quirks and discomforts, I use a recycled excuse. Being raised in a cult and soonafter running away from that, living with a sociopath, I say that I have a sort of PTSD from those super intense experiences. But, much of the time, I say those things rather than saying how I really feel in the moment. That guy I’ve told you about, my old landlord, had some terrifying perspectives on people, he wanted to nuke the downtown area because he felt that people who did drugs and who commit crimes are trash. Barring the fact that many law-abiding citizens spend time downtown and the fact that I am one such citizen, I think it is horrifically problematic to want to wipe out some people because of the few. Today, I shared with some friends who were showing me a movie about two people who decided to go on a killing spree of those they consider idiots, that I have PTSD because of the guy to whom I used to pay rent. But that is not really why such premises in movies give me such discomfort. I absolutely hate watching needless violence. It is why I do not ordinarily watch horror movies and it is why up until about ten years ago, I would not even watch action movies. I feel strongly that life is precious, and despite my frustration with religion, I do not see any life as without purpose.

I understand the point that is being made. People want to blaim religious zealots, reality TV show stars, rednecks and so many other stereotypes for our problems. They consider them the idiots, the disgusting ignorance that so plagues this world, and some suggest that society would be better off without them. Honestly, religious people these days drive me nuts! They have so many perspectives that prevent society from moving forward, they insist on their way without even considering they could ever be wrong. Admittedly, I have despised being around Christians. I have been disgusted with those who seem without kindness. But, what I have felt for years now is that everyone has a story. A bratty television star may someday grow up and figure out life does not revolve around her. Or maybe she will stay as bratty as ever, her parents enabling her forever. Just because she is cruel at school or entitled that does not mean she deserves to die. I guess I just feel it is a slippery slope. I have lived the life of those who society calls “idiots” and many of them mean well. I know I did. I have been the chosen one in many situations and then, almost immediately, the enemy of those same people. That landlord guy originally thought I was badass, intelligent, and had a very very good head on my shoulders. But, time and time again, I have discovered that that kind of prowess in society doesn’t last. One day you are on the side of the intelligent, the next you are the hunted idiot by someone with a finer intellect. I have learned over time that intelligence tends to be relative. You may feel that you are better and more educated than the masses, but there is always somebody else who has more experience and who would corral you in with the rest of society’s mindless cattle in a heartbeat.

Perhaps it is my Christian upbringing that gives me this feeling that everyone should be given attention and care. I was once involved in feeding the homeless, empowering survivors of sex trafficking, being a sounding board for the misunderstood. These are the things about which I am passionate. I just think people of all kinds need to be heard and cared for rather than preached at. Those who are cruel are cruel due to their own insecurities. The times in my life that I have myself been cruel to others, I can definitely chalk up to my own insecurities. They were never out to get me, they are not hopelessly lost, evil people who will never learn to be good. They are complex, nuanced human beings. Slasher films and films about vigilante killers take these individual lives and just cut them down without a thought. The concept that someone can just grab and gun down or whatever the hell and just kill people because of how they perceive them, because they do not like them, is absolutely terrifying, disturbing and fundamentally wrong. Where does it end?

If the vigilante were a fundamentalist Christian who felt society was evil and maybe that God was calling them to purge society of its problems, they would target Hollywood, they would take out the media who dares to question God. They would attack the sexually impure which means they would attack me and my boyfriend. My roommate and her boyfriend. My coworker and her boyfriend. We all are just facing life the way that it makes the most sense to us. Hollywood is not out to destroy Christian values. It is made up of so many people who grew up in the church and who are thinking differently now. Just like me. If a vigilante wanted to get rid of the worst people in society, who would he target? I guess it would depend on perspective, his background and the way he sees the world. From where I am standing, there are plenty of reasons to have faith in the world and in its propensity for goodness.

With this election, it is tempting to blame society’s idiocy. But both sides are saying the same thing about the other’s candidate. The political terrain has split and many are discussing civil war, It is frustrating because to me it seems obvious who is more qualified. But there are many who disagree with me. They are in my workplace, my school, even in my family. Many call these people idiots. I see why, but I also understand their fear, because, as I said before, I have been in their shoes. Society’s true worsts are con-artists, rapists, bigots, hypocrites. But, murder is not the answer. They may never let us reason with them, but murder would destroy what we could potentially accomplish without cheating. We may never agree, but civil war and vigilante justice will solve nothing.


Analyzing the Cult I Lived Part 2- Blessed Are the Persecuted

Having walked away from the all-consuming fire perspective on God, that his love and his message were absolutely the most important thing, the true defining factor of a Christian, I can begin to see where I stopped caring about Jesus and kindness as much as caring about achieving absolute conversion. We started considering ourselves “true Christians” because we didn’t want to only do church on Sundays and drink, curse and fornicate every other day of the week. It was presented as a push back against the hypocrisy that appeared to be so prevalent in Christianity. Continue reading

Analyzing the Cult that I Lived Part 1- First Church and the New Youth Pastors

I haven’t published a post in a while and the reason is that because I’m not sure who reads my blog, I am afraid of who I might deeply offend and hurt. But, it has occurred to me that whoever reads my blog should know that it is in fact my blog. My thoughts are in it. So I say this: Whoever you are, if my blog is causing you concern for my spiritual life, don’t worry about me. If my blog is boring you or you’re irritated by various grammatical errors, I do apologize, I would love your feedback. But until I get someone who speaks up about my blog to me, I shall simply write what I wish and see what happens.

I’ve recently experienced an onslaught of past memories especially with regards to religion and the kinds of wonderful things I refused to let into my life by virtue of my Christian faith. In experiencing this onslaught, I began to really think upon and explore what Christian means to other people who are Christian.

It does not seem to be the same upbringing that I experienced.

Continue reading

Taboo Subject #1 Gay Marriage should not be Taboo

I love the idea of raising children with this perspective.

My deepest hope for this blog is that whoever reads it would feel refreshed rather than attacked by the perspective I’ve gleaned over the years. That being said, I want to talk about how God transformed my perspective on gay marriage and gay relationships through media.

Continue reading

Listen- A Spoken Word in continual reminiscence


This thinking feels so surreal.

What if there’s a different purpose than choosing to kneel.

An option we ought not to consider.

A road we’re told will make us bitter.

All these warnings lead me to think,

In this chain of life, are we so strong,

And the world the weak and broken link?


We each have our views,

The thought used to drive me crazy.

To not “seek God”,

Throw your hands up in the air,

And say “I don’t know…”

Well, it just seemed lazy.

As always, I’m not leaving God,

Just questioning our method.

Truth is, don’t we really view this world

Like it’s actually dead?

And only we’re alive?

Like everything they say is a lie?

And we only speak the truth,

Especially when we speak into the lives of our youth?


The majority of this world,

They don’t think like us.

They talk about they want, they do what they do,

They even cuss!

And we laugh at them and boycott their thoughts.

All the while, we think of them as caught.

If we think they’re so enslaved, so naive and stuck,

Headed for an eternal torturous path,

Then, tell me, why do we laugh?

And why do we ignore?

Do we really think God only spoke of having love

For the monetarily poor?


Listen to their songs, listen to their hearts,

They just want to be heard,

to show the world their innermost parts.

We say eternity’s at stake, yet we laugh it all away-

As the shattered world barely lives another day.

The unbeliever is a fool, we assure ourselves,

But if we believe what we say we do,

Their ignorance sends them to a despicable fate

Of all eternity in Hell.

Do we believe everything we say?

There’s a Hell but the price was paid?

Do we tell that good news,

or listen to the world news and scoff?

Do we love in light

And laugh at the world in the middle of its fight?

Explore history and see

Why these people are fed up with Christianity!

Why they won’t listen to you and me.

At least eighteen centuries of violent religion,

People living without God were killed and persecuted too,

Or do we think the offensive things

only happen to us and the Jews?

All I’m saying is they have a right to laugh at us.

Take a walk through history,

Or even the now,

And we’re downright ridiculous!

People live their lives

Not knowing why in the hell

They’re on this earth,

Thrust into existence,

Suddenly feeling joy, love and hurt.

They don’t know why

And they don’t want to try,

They’d rather just live as much as they can

Until they die.

As strongly as we believe in our truth,

They believe in theirs.

Not that truth is relative,

That doesn’t work,

Just that we’re all,

On some level,

Figuring our own way

Through the muck and the murk.

God or no God, can’t you see?

Perfect devoted lives isn’t always

How He expects us to be.

We are to love and understand,

To listen to the qualms of man.

And not always for answers,

Not always for the good news.

Not always for paying that love token,

Those religious dues.

Just to hear and understand

And maybe, to become,

Through love, a brotherhood of man.

For straights to love gays,

For Christians to love Muslims.

For each group to dwell in kindness,

Not in hate,

To believe in the goodness of mankind

And to change his eternal fate.

We all have sinned and fall short of His glory.

There is not a single man above another-

Not in this story.

God’s mind is above ours,

So, truth is,

I think we might be doing it wrong.

So let’s choose now,

Let’s listen

To the world’s lonely, confused,

and beautifully realistic

heart song.

My Vision for PVXPearls

Hello blog readers! I can’t even begin to explain how long it has taken me to finally sit down and start writing this introductory blog entry. I have, I suppose, so feared that people might write unkind things about my writing, or think me unkind in what I’ve written. And I have thus been very apprehensive at the prospect of sharing my apparent talent for writing and observation.

So, please, do try to bear with me. There will be times I will sound vaguely Old-Englishy, even Jane Austenesque, and still more times where I may sound so laid back as to seem lazy or uneducated. Again, I hope you’ll bear with me! This is a test for me, finally pushing myself to write. I invite constructive criticism, but will not publish comments with outright criticism of me, specific blog content, or any of my readers. This is an environment in which I hope to discuss the good in the world, in the context of the bad.
I call this concept Finding Pearls in a Sea of Sand. Continue reading