Where do I go from here?

I think this is the shortest amount of time I’ve given myself to write a potentially heavy post pretty much ever. So, I’ll try to keep it short, since I have about ten minutes to write my guts out.  I’ve been giving up on this blog. Disillusioned, and frustrated with all that religion has put me through, and everything it’s done to many many others, I just didn’t want to write about it anymore.

When I created PVX Pearls, it, like everything else, was supposed to be anchored in God. I wasn’t supposed to deviate or recognize any other experience, all that I created, that was supposed to be about God. And I hate that in saying all of this, I have to think about the past. I’ve really never been one of those girls who could just get over it. I dwell in the past and the negative aspects of my life that come from the past more than anyone else I’ve ever met.

Pearls was meant to be a desperate attempt at positivity when it all seemed so dirty, so boring, so bland. But that attempt was also a God-thing, again, like everything else in my life. So now that I’ve lost it, now that I can claim myself no longer Christian, where on earth am I supposed to go from here? Everything seems so bleak some days, and wonderful other days. Christianity twisted and molded me into a shell of a person, afraid to express herself. I fought back once, and Pearls was born. Maybe if I fight back again, I’ll find something else happens.

It’s interested to note that I did. I fought back, in Modesto. I wrote scathing Spoken Word poetry and I read it out loud to people who were in the thick of the thing I was mad about. And from that experience, I created Pearls. I thought I was railing against religion and the people, never God. But now, I’m done with God. I don’t feel the need to weigh in on the concept. But I do want to be there for people who have struggled.

I always forget that it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. I’m afraid to feel, to do well in life, to write and have people actually respond to me, but it’s also the thing I want most in the world. I may be done with God, and customers at my work may have the greatest capacity to annoy imaginable, but I am not done with every day people. I am not done with me. I am not done with Pearls.

Confusion Rant- Not my best Post, a break from PVX

I have reawakened my obsession with pinterest! I just spent the last two hours looking at wonderful Disney memes. Truth is, I am staying a kid forever. I see no other way to live. If growing up means being stern, serious, bothered by life, I don’t want anything to do with it! I have been brainstorming so many things to blog. I wanted to after Noah, The Giver, Guardians of the Galaxy, Witches of East End, I now want to write about Charmed, Arrow, How I Met Your Mother, and as always, all things DISNEY. And I know exactly how I would write each of them. I just lack the interest in writing the blog. It’s sad. It’s still my passion: writing, Hollywood, Finding Pearls everywhere, I’m just exhausted from my life to be honest. It’s all so different than how I originally saw my life! I expected to be in ministry, with everything I believed in rooted in that one understanding that I knew God and so I could never go wrong. I do live my life from a God perspective now, but not the one I used to have. Life is about kindness in my book, because hey, why not. Anyways, too tired for a post tonight, watching Lilo and Stitch! Perhaps I’ll write about that, just thought I’d vent to my many followers 😉 keep digging for those pearls!

Seeking Commonality with the Rest of the world!

This weekend I had the opportunity to come back home to prepare for what I call the event of the century. I found myself staying in a home which disallowed movies and TV on the premise that it is a poison and a near demonic influence in the home. Of course I didn’t exactly obey the restrictions as I had my own laptop on which to watch all the horrendous shows provided by Hulu and Netflix (the most evil Nickelodeon, and the treacherous Disney Channel.)

I just get frustrated with people who dismiss Hollywood. One person, or a few people tell you it’s messed up (since they’ve seen soooo much of Hollywood and gotten to know every individual person really well) so you believe it and lump them all together to ignore, accuse and ridicule. Why? Gosh, how dare you be so quick to judge. Oh yes, I am certainly judging you. How dare you hate on people whom you’ve never met?

Christians… why do you hate your enemies??? When in Hollywood, we see ever so faint traces of Godly traits, traits which are barely present in Christians. I’ve really learned to love my enemies through Hollywood and the movie making business. Why paint those who have yet to show themselves to you, as enemies? Albeit those traits are in a concoction of crazy through which it can be difficult to see the beauty. But they are there. I believe that when given the breath of life we are also given a seed of truth. Not the big Jesusey Truth. Just truth in general, and we tend to interpret that truth differently as life goes on. So there are traces of truth in all things. All truth is God’s.

So, for example, when Lady Gaga or Glee Cast sings Born This Way, it is true. God makes no mistakes… this is not an attack of hatred on the Christian faith… it is almost an asserted answer to a question… Gosh! We know God makes no mistakes… so how are gay, lesbian, bi, transgender persons not born that way?? I’m not trying to say Lady Gaga isn’t strange… or even demonically possessed. It’s a nonissue. God speaks through what He wants to. We can choose to dismiss his beautiful and creative child, or we can listen to what she’s trying to say. Sometimes, she’s just saying she’s horny. Is that really so bad? Aren’t we all often horny? It helps me personally sometimes to know that others get horny to the extent where there are millions of songs about wanting sex. Why is this dirty, horrible, shameful? We are sexual beings, amongst other kinds. Our bodies respond to attraction, we don’t control the flush of emotions that come with lust. I don’t think Jesus was saying “You must never lust” He was saying “You lust, that makes you just as in need of my Salvation as someone who commits adultery.” It wasn’t a list of rules we must painstakingly follow. It was an invitation to be humble and therefore forgiven, to recognize our sins are just as horrid as the next person and not one single person is better than another. So, in conclusion, lust happens. We look at someone or think of sex and maybe even enjoy it… even act on it. Whether we act on it or not, either choice is in need of a Savior. Neither more than the other.

That does not mean that we must accept and befriend and allow ourselves to be influenced by those who act on lust, but it does mean we need to understand we are no better and both of us need a Savior equally. Why bottle the lust inside… writing about it, singing about it, crafting a story around it, these create empathy in the world. We understand one another because we all lust. Doesn’t make it right, it just makes it common.

And commonality breeds kindness, empathy, sometimes even friendship. I believe that all of us, we are attracted to transparency in people, to that gritty realness. Recognizing and being open about your own issues softens the blow when you find flaws in others.

What do you think? How many people do you know that you’re sure have never lusted? Do you think Jesus meant to convict and steer people away from lust with his words to the crowds? Or do you think He simply wished to show people their sin and understand their unworthiness?

* It has taken me years to come to these conclusions and I do not seek to offend, I seek to ask questions and spread kindness, even to those in Hollywood and those who some consider “The worst of sinners.”

Love you all whoever you are and thank you for subscribing to my blog!!!

H2O: Just Add Water

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I have this new show that I’ve recently gotten into. You may have guessed it is H2O: Just Add Water. See, I’m moving with a family and their son, no, not their daughter, their son really likes it. So, seeing as how it was on Netflix, I thought I’d check it out. Now I’m addicted. To a teenibopper/kids show! Honestly though, this isn’t all that surprising for me.

I have seen the beauty and magic in kid’s movies and TV shows ever since I was a child. What’s funny though, is that despite finding the magic growing up, I always worried about believing in magic or thinking it was cool. It was against what I should believe. I’ve had to recognize the fact now, that magic intrigues me. I like Once Upon A Time, Harry Potter and H2O, in fact, I think these ideas capture all of our hearts on some level.

In H2O, a mere drop of water can turn the three magical friends into beautiful mermaids. What little girl hasn’t thought being a mermaid could be the coolest thing on earth? This show is so innocent, so real and so magical.

I hear the complaint all the time “Ugh, these kid’s shows are losing their morals, TV used to be good. Now it’s just trash.” You know it’s funny though, I’m fairly certain that was our parents’ reactions to our shows growing up. Cartoons and kid’s shows have no substance.” But, if you watch them as you grow, you begin to see that you were being taught valuable lessons in life. Watching old Disney movies always puts me in that mindset. Through movies and TV shows as children, we are almost inevitably taught to persevere through greatest trial, to be kind and accept people in their situations, and to be willing to sacrifice ourselves to protect the lives of others.

My favorite example of this in the show H2O is Rikki and Zane. Both Rikki and Zane have an attitude and a reputation that tells people to back off. They’re both a little rude and blunt and they follow strongly what they feel. You will see, I tend to sympathize with the “villain” types. In the first few episodes Zane is so rude and Rikki so reckless. You never expect to love them more than the other characters. But, as you go deeper into this ocean of beauty and story, Rikki is shown vulnerable and Zane is by her side, sacrificing anything and everything to show he cares. Nobody else trusts him, they see him as the veritable antithesis of trustworthiness. But he has, as TV shows often show, a stronger conscience than many of the others (as does Rikki.)

I would dismiss the notion that the “bad guys” can end up being the “best” guys, even more “good” in their actions than the good guys. But, in my own life, I’ve seen it! Movies and TV shows tell us that our bullies won’t always stay our bullies, our greatest enemy may one day be our strongest ally, the most insufferable person may someday sweep you off your feet. You can never predict what will happen. Bullied at a young age, I never expected those girls to ever accept me, give me a makeover and choose to spend real time with me. But, I found in my early teens that life is not your elementary school bullies, and it isn’t shaped by what they say. One of the rudest girls approached me when I was in school and invited me over. No trick. (I am not saying that people are never cruel, I’m simply relaying my own experience.) Looking around her house with her doting parents who always tried to fit in with her friends and which was a bit of a mess to stay in, I could begin to see why this girl, let’s call her Bethany treated me and others the way she did. We’ve grown apart over the years. She is now out partying all the time, one of those people, that, though popular in grade school, now is a little bit of a loner with a highly publicized drug issue. Hard to run away from these things in a small town.

What I’ve learned in life and through family movies and TV shows is that people are almost never what they appear. People have motivation, whether justified for us or only for them. The trick is to see people as just as lost and confused about life as you are. That’s why Rikki in H2O is my favorite. When Zane tells her about how his dad is always abandoning him, she remarks “So, that’s why you’re such a jerk!” then shares some personal things about her own dad. Sometimes, I feel, that the person who everyone trusts, can be the most unpredictable. They’ll pull the rug out from under you. But, on occasion, the one everyone distrusts will surprise you and be far more down to earth and scared than you would ever expect. I think these people are the most trustworthy. You can see their motivation and test it. They will rise to the occasion every single time.

Anyways, as always, this is a long-winded entry and only barely scratches the surface of this wonderful show. But, it had to be said. Trust can be the most vulnerable thing you ever do in your life, but when we were kids, we were taught to trust. Why should that leave with our interest in watching kid’s entertainment? A trusting, forgiving heart is valuable in this life. You may be hurt, but if you learn to guard your trusting heart, I think life has endless possibilities. I will have to share another post on the show, magic, friendship and secrecy. But, this is my current obsession and I’m loving it. Will follow up with another entry soon. Off to Sunsplash! Hope I don’t get wet! 😉

Mermaid Silhouettes

My Vision for PVXPearls

Hello blog readers! I can’t even begin to explain how long it has taken me to finally sit down and start writing this introductory blog entry. I have, I suppose, so feared that people might write unkind things about my writing, or think me unkind in what I’ve written. And I have thus been very apprehensive at the prospect of sharing my apparent talent for writing and observation.

So, please, do try to bear with me. There will be times I will sound vaguely Old-Englishy, even Jane Austenesque, and still more times where I may sound so laid back as to seem lazy or uneducated. Again, I hope you’ll bear with me! This is a test for me, finally pushing myself to write. I invite constructive criticism, but will not publish comments with outright criticism of me, specific blog content, or any of my readers. This is an environment in which I hope to discuss the good in the world, in the context of the bad.
I call this concept Finding Pearls in a Sea of Sand. Continue reading