A blast from the not too distant past: oh…wow… I’m gay… Coming Out to Me

This is where I was at about all my gayness about five months ago when I figured it out.

 

So I’m not really sure who reads this, at this point, I hope my mom doesn’t. But I just really wanted to share this with my actual official blog. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about all the repression in my life. So many moments where instead of facing my feelings, I shot them down, caught them in a bottle and hid them in the deepest darkest reaches of my heart. This goes for my actual personal religious beliefs, my genuine political perspective, and my unrequited love towards my girl friends. Thinking back, every day was an intense struggle to force down the thoughts about girls. I cried almost every day of my high school existence. Because Satan was attacking me by making me think so much about my friends. Certain girls were never ever far from my mind. I would hyperventilate when they were coming over, basically swoon whenever they touched me, and just constantly always be wanting to spend every waking moment with them. BUT I WAS NOT GAY. I could not be. I was spreading Christianity, and one of the marks of being a Christian is hating the very concept of homosexuality. So, in word and speech I did. Still, I had these very clear constant moments of just being so attracted to my friends, and I would fall apart on them over it often. They would stroke my head (best feeling in the world by the way) and tell me it was okay. Not okay as in I was being allowed to be gay, okay as in, despite the feelings I was still 100% straight and they were glad I was fighting the urges.

Years of people telling me that I was not gay did nothing to stop the thoughts or curb the feelings. I never saw myself marrying a girl, however (still don’t). It’s complicated. See, this is literally the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have to give up the ease of living as a heterosexual. This of course means that my boyfriend and I… we’re breaking up. Amidst other things, he plays so much video games that I feel ignored like there is no room for me in his life. We still live together and we’ve talked this through. It’s hard since we made it so far, but it’s worth it to lead the lifestyles we want to lead. It hurts, the nonchalance, and that is why I think I prefer girls. They often tend to be more heartfelt and engaged. The ones I’m attracted to do anyway. I have zero idea how to do this going forward. A friend of mine said something about girls wearing flannel… but that seems fairly arbitrary. My gaydar, or lesbidar, anyway (shout out to Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Willow Rosenberg for that fantastic word) is fairly rusty. It’s mostly never been used. So, I don’t know how to hit on a girl, how to get her to see that I like her and hope she likes me, I don’t know how to be in an actual relationship with a girl, and beyond that… I sure as hell don’t know how to marry a girl, adopt kids with a girl… I always saw myself as having, actually birthing kids someday. Choosing this path, choosing girls, it could change everything. I won’t be having a kid that shares the DNA of both of us. That’s something to think about. But, I am a massive people pleaser at times. That’s kind of what drew me to all the bad situations that have ever happened in my life. I can’t choose my hypothetical children over my heart. Not now.

To be honest, I can’t believe this is even my life. I always noticed the ways in which I liked girls… but I never anticipated accepting that I’m gay, or even that I’m bi. Not until recently.

 

Honestly, since I wrote this, I’ve come to accept things much more. My mom, understandably, was upset about me not having kids. (But I still want kids, whether through adoption, in vitro, whatever). Mom if you’re reading this, know always that your reaction floored me but I’m so glad and relieved I told you. I am choosing to write, paint and sing because I do love to do those things and maybe the question of my sexuality was the blockade I was always looking to remove beforehand.¬†

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Analyzing theCult I Lived Part 3- Purity Culture

Before I went to ministry school, I was offered an opportunity to travel the country with a group called Silver Ring Thing. They were a group, much to my excitement, dedicated to protecting virginity and teaching teens to wait until marriage for most kinds of affection. It was common in this purity culture to feel that relationships in general were  dangerous for your heart, your sexuality and your faith.

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How I Met Your Mother: Have You Met Ted Mosby?

Ted Mosby

I don’t know if many of you caught my last How I Met Your Mother post. It was a bit scatter-brained and I feel like it deserved a better post. I was reminded of that today when I watched quite a few episodes from the first season. I know that sit-coms are kind of known for being fairly vapid and not real helpful in actuality, but I always grow from watching this show.

Being in love is a concept purely in the movies for me. I want it, probably more deeply than anything in the world. But I want it right, with the right man, and in the right time. So my dating life has been rather sparse. That which I have experienced, I have tended to nip in the bud to avoid eventually hurting a guy who sees more with me than I can envision with him. When I am having a tough time holding out for that one guy who will make all this waiting worth it, I am comforted by Ted Mosby’s outlook. I completely understand his frustration and his desire. In a list of my favorite TV couples, Lily and Marshall would make Top 5 easily. They’re just so much the model of what I would want in a relationship. That perfect mix of silly and serious, independence and togetherness, passion and cutesiness is what I hope for. But, like Ted, I know what it’s like to look around and see Lilys and Marshalls finding each other early in life and simply meshing perfectly without any sort of grueling wait, while you stand clapping, smiling on the sidelines, genuinely excited for their love, but wishing, deeply wishing that you had a love of your own. I’ve even experienced semi-Robins and Barneys– my almost-boyfriends getting together with close friends, and it being awkward, but okay, because¬† we couldn’t have worked together anways… right?

But despite it all, no matter what crazy relationshippy obstacle is thrown his way, no matter how low to the ground he falls, disillusioned by life, Ted Mosby always gets back up again. He brings others hope with his persistent optimistic, romantic, occasionally nearly delusional vision of that one girl who will be worth all the searching, all the waiting and even all the failing. Ted doesn’t sit on his butt and just wait for her to come into his life, he always thinks about her, he knows she’s on her way. And, at the end of it all, he looks back and knows exactly what, in 8 years of wanting to meet the love his life, led to them finally meeting and falling in love.

HIMYM Destiny

Sure, maybe, aside from his romantic notions, he has a bit of A.D.D. when it comes to women. In the first season, wanting Robin so deeply, so strongly. But when she can’t make it to the wedding and he meets Victoria, not being able to get Victoria out of his mind (though to his credit, she was very mysterious and memorable). That seemed a little fast to fall for a different girl. Although, us single people, planning for that future spouse to walk into our lives, tend also toward distraction. Perhaps we’re picky, since it seems, everyone and their dog is in a relationship! But, at the end of it all, we have held out for the real thing. And How I Met Your Mother always helps me to believe that he’s out there, and he’s thinking of me too. Like me, maybe he’s spurring on the almost-loves, or maybe he’s falling hard for everything that moves… whoever and however he is, someday, we’ll meet. I’ll be his and he’ll be mine. We’ll have kids and he will be a wonderful father. We’ll love each other deeply because knowing we should be together, it’ll be the easiest thing in the world and it will make the hard work of relationships worth it.

Memorable quote HIMYM